The United States is about to get its 45th President. Which means, however things go in this year’s election, about half the country is going to be pretty god damn upset. That’s why we thought we might lighten the mood and look at a little highlight reel of the five past presidents we’d most like to get high/lit with.
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
This is mostly for the medical benefits it would give the guy. FDR suffered from an almost impressive variety of ailments: a partial paralysis condition stemming from his polio episode, high blood pressure, atherosclerosis, coronary artery disease causing angina pectoris, and congestive heart failure, some of which might be treatable with the right medical marijuana. Or at least it would make him feel a lot more comfortable. Shit, it’s the least we could do to say thanks for pulling us out of the depression and fighting the Nazis.
- George Washington
For horticultural purposes. A letter from our first President reveals that George grew a little weed in his day. “Began to separate the male from female plants rather too late,” it reads. “Pulling up the (male) hemp. Was too late for the blossom hemp by three weeks or a month.” Historians are unclear whether he was trying to grow hemp or cannabis flower, but some say he used marijuana to treat chronic pains from his bad, bad, really terrible teeth.
The point is if we could time warp to light a blunt with Big George, we could give him some cultivation tips, thereby changing the entire history of cannabis growing in America and maybe all of world history.
- Benjamin Harrison
Because we’ve never heard of him, ever. And a nice blaze session would be a good way to learn just who exactly the fuck our 23rd president (served 1889-1893) was and why we’ve never heard of him.
- Barack Obama
Because you gotta. He’s Barry. He’s friends with Beyonce. We already know he looks cool smoking a joint. He’s just fucking cool. Maybe the coolest president who ever lived? Maybe? Maybe. Let’s melt a gram of Gorilla Glue over a rig and see how cool he is then. I know I’d need it after eight years of running this godforsaken world.
- John F. Kennedy
The stories alone would be worth it. In World War II, after his ship collided with a Japanese destroyer, he saved a brother in arms by pulling him across three and half miles of water, towed by a belt clamped in JFK’s teeth. He had showdowns with Castro and Khrushchev. He partied with Frank Sinatra and probably got busy with Marilyn Monroe. He got shot in the head! So many stories, so he’s got to be on the list (sorry, first famous weed-smoking president Bill Clinton).