Maybe you don’t live in one of our nation’s more enlightened states, cannabistically-speaking. Or maybe you’re lucky enough to be a patient in sunny California or a human being in mountainy Colorado, but you’ve got one of those government jobs that forbid your blood from having THC swim in it. Maybe you are twice-elected President Barrack Obama, and you live in a District where possession and consumption is perfectly legal, but because of your position you would not be allowed to ingest a federally controlled substance.

If so, you’ve come to the right place. Because here we’re going to tell you just how to fulfill that need for weed without letting anybody else heed your deed.

  1. DIY a Sploof

Some form of this has probably been existence since the first anti-marihuana laws were passed back in the olden days. The sploof has evolved over time from a device that most likely involved whale glands and rusty pipes into the standard design of a cardboard paper towel tube stuffed with dryer sheets, which masks the smell by making everything not at all suspiciously smell like dryer sheets.

For a souped up MacGuyver take on this standby, rub charcoal on the sheets (charcoal absorbs shit like the dickens, same reason your dog eats it after he gets into the Halloween candy), or you can make a double-sploof. That involves taping an empty 20 oz or liter bottle to one end of the tube. You blow all the smoke through the dryer sheets once, catch ir in the bottle, then squeeze the bottle to send it back the way it came in, giving you some twice-refined second-hand.

  1. Ozium!

Axe makes your room smell like Axe and weed. Febreze makes your room smell like Febreze and weed. Ozium makes your room smell like a big smell eraser came down from god and cleaned your room out. Not nothing. Nothing!

But don’t leave your bud or wax out when you spray because it is some kind of weird chemical and it can get in there and make it nasty and you will die! Probably not die actually, just look forward to buying your next batch.

  1. A dog beard

No matter what kind of sophisticated technology you have to hide your shit, you can’t fool the drug sniffing dogs. But if you have an excuse for a dog to go nutty nut balls other than a fat sack of nugs, then maybe the pigs at the other end of the leash will doubt their dogs’ cute little noses.

You could become a cat lady. Get like seventeen felines. Spay or neuter none of them. Let them run amok and tear up the place so that your whole house reeks of cat. Boom, you’ve just clouded the minds of dogs like a Jedi waving his hands. Or, you can get some dog food and place it close to your stash.

  1. Air tight container

Duh. But there’s a shit ton of varieties to choose from. By now, Johnny 5-0 knows about your soda cans that secretly open on the bottom. If you buy one of those, make sure you get one that actually comes with liquid inside it, so that it properly slishes and sloshes when you pick it up instead of feeling like a rock (which is how most of them feel, and a dead giveaway that it’s just a drug-concealment trick).

A prescription bottle or Tupperware container works fine in terms of preserving it. To conceal, you can get more creative than a fake Red Bull. Maybe a hollowed-out book? Or a hollowed out dildo? Ain’t no cops going to go playing around with a used dildo if they find it.

  1. For indoor grows: negative air pressure

Put on your lab goggles and white coats, then legally change your name to Bill Nye because now we’re getting sciencey now. Because air naturally migrates from high pressure to low pressure areas, establishing negative room pressure in your grow room means that the air (and the smells in the air) aren’t going to leak out willy-nilly, they’ll only go where you want them to go.

A good way to accomplish this little feat is to constantly run an exhaust fan out of your grow room while running a much smaller fan into the room. The higher up the out-going dank air gets released the better, as it will then be more dispersed by the time it hits the street level. You can also use air filters (with charcoal, again) to refine that smell even more. It’s like making your whole room into a giant sploof.

There you go, friends. Live smell-free or die!