Bruce Banner needs Blueberry Shatter, and a lot of it.

As uberplayers in the world of journalism, we at Dabs Mag have grown accustomed to otherworldly, seemingly-serendipitous things being thrown at us, and access to only the most exclusive everythings.

As such, we were recently given permission to reveal to you–the Dabs Mag faithful– the details of extract prescriptions given to the original members of superhero crime fighting team the Avengers. In honor of this week’s release of Avengers: Age of Ultron– we reveal those details and scrips to you now. Hulksmash!

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Hawkeye

(Clint Barton, or, “the least super of the heroes,” is a master archer. Like, way better than any human could possibly be at archery. He’s like Legolas with less surfing and more NASCAR sunglasses.)

Symptoms: Last we saw Clint he was under the mind control of Loki, bastard of Asgard. With luck, we were able to bring him back, but since, we’ve been trying to monitor. Mind possession took a toll. Lots to sift through and reevaluate. In addition, the man’s eyes and reflexes need to be brought back to 100. Under possession, his eyes went through a lot.

All things considered, I’m prescribing Hawkeye an Indica-dominant shatter that’s been said to help greatly with nerve swelling and tension.

Prescription: The Grape Romulan Soft Shatter is great for headaches and migraines, provides immense relief from pressure behind eyes and pulls back with a focusing calm. Can be used as mild sedative or, for higher-octane users, a real equalizer.

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Black Widow

(Natasha Romanoff. Acrobatic super spy with full package smarts/looks/skills and an able marksman. I’m talking gat pistol popping demonqueen goddess.)

Symptoms: Natasha has shown great resistance toward almost any kind of relaxation technique or medication. Her anger and depression are spilling out onto all other aspects of life, despite her best efforts to deflect. Recent tension and worry about colleague Clint (Hawkeye) combined with possible stirrings from another team member have seen her ignorance of personal traumas rise to an almost insurmountable level. I’ve prescribed Miss Romanoff with another Indica-dominant shatter to try and ease some tension, but more importantly, allow her mind to dig into the stuff she’s been hiding from.

Prescription: Barbara Bud Shatter is known to help very much with stress. As well, it doesn’t cloud the mind too heavily, so our super spy could take it on the go, as she will need it soon. Ultron opens today.

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Captain America

(All-American pretty boy Steve Rogers became America’s supersoldier after undergoing tests with Tony Stark’s dad round WWII-era. Basically juiced up hard before there was any regulation for that sort of thing.)

Symptoms: Steve was brought in soon after he was thawed out in Antarctica, and, for a man who’s been frozen in time for nearly a generation, he’s taking things well. It can be difficult to keep up with not only the times, but the pace of life and even simple things like speed of speech. The little things are what bog him down. That and the thought of knowing your first true love and all those around you have perished long ago, can become heavy. Especially when your former best friend is actually still alive too, but is now a super villainous supersoldier who you’ll eventually have to fight and kill as well. WIth all that in mind, I’ve prescribed Mr. Rogers a strain of mid concentrate called Cal Ripkin. A homegrown concentrate meant for larger body mass, this is the kind of extract that will level the playing field of day-to-day life for Steve.

Prescription: Cal Ripkin OG Wax, volumous, thick, mid-level head high. Body heavy and au natural.

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Thor

(The prince of Asgard, heir to the throne of Odin, and immensely hilarious when tasked with earthling mundanity.)

Symptoms: Not having ever been tasked with prescribing meds for a non-human before, I still didn’t feel right pawning Thor off to my local vet, so I decided to jump in and try the water. With such severe anxiety related to family and sibling issues, Thor has a serious dichotomy going on inside him. Because for all of his anxiety, he’s forced to double up on bragodociousness. So for the prince of Asgard, we decided to lay out a full flavored, full-bodied wax that could open his head up and allow him to be himself, and be true.

Prescription: PureHP Wax, an Indica excellent for decreasing joint and muscle pain while lifting mood. Flavorful and nausea reducing, As we’ve heard about his drinking habits. Enjoy before meals and intergalactic fist fights.

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The Hulk/Bruce Banner

(Resident giant, green rage monster, Bruce is a supremely nice and nebbish scientist, when he’s not the ooze-hued Mr. Hyde to his Banner’s Dr. Jekyll. Hulksmash! But Hulk also punch, kick, bite, break bones into dust and fight Iron Man through the streets of NYC, destroying the lot like Zack Snyder at the helm of a production.)

Symptoms: Where I didn’t feel right pawning Thor off to my vet, I’m not really sure what to feel here. Bruce is definitely not alien, nor a different species for that, but his Hulkamania puts him in a place that is neither really human or not. So for the jolly green angry boy, I’m prescribing a super strong hybrid with all the focus on mood suppressant.

Prescription: Blueberry Shatter, and a lot of it. A common-use for sufferers of PTSD, an indica-heavy hybrid focused solely on calming and anger suppression, we think there’s no better extract for the Hulk to enjoy. Because Incredible Hulk OG is a sativa, and almost the opposite of this in almost every way. That’s something we might give to…

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Tony Stark

(The billionaire boy’s club of superheroes, Tony and his Iron Man persona are not only the fast-talking, smooth-outting, Entenmann’s baby of the Avengers, he/they’re also our grandpep in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Back in ‘08, it was Tony who was tasked with making everybody fall in love with superhero movies in a giant way– and boy did he deliver.)

Symptoms: Finally, the leader of the team. Mr. Stark was and is always a joy to have in the office any time he’s around. Adept, smart and eager to learn, the nice things I can say about him stop about there. Because for all of his sincerity and eagerness to learn, he’s already smarter than the majority of individuals on the planet, and thus, wildly difficult to tell anything. So, as a doctor, when telling someone what is wrong and what they might be able to do to help, Tony proved to be one of the most difficult people I’ve ever dealt with. But he’s a stellar guy. And as such, I want to help. His major problems stem from: An inability to accept help, and severe pain caused by probable radiation exposure due to energy cell lodged in heart.

Prescription: 303 PR Sour Diesel Ice Wax. Basically the premiere extract if you can afford it, the major coup here is the whole package. Flavorful, dank, and extremely potent, the wax focuses on pain relief. And a very, very heavy head high. So, perhaps with a little of this, Tony may be brought down a couple of pegs– and not feel the immense pressure of radiation pounding against his chest.