Current GOP frontrunner Donald Trump is on a rampage. Like a baboon with rabies loosed from the zoo, he’s hopping from landing to landing, beating his chest, gnashing his teeth, and razing everything in his path.
In the last couple weeks alone, Trump has insulted one fifth of our population with a racist rant about how Mexican immigrants are drug dealers and rapists, incited a threat from Sinoloa cartel leader El Chapo, and gave out one of his presidential competitor’s personal phone number during a speech.
Like the wild creature that he is, The Donald needs to be put down. We’re not saying he should be killed. He just needs a sedative. Maybe a tranquilizer dart, but a big fat gooey dab would do the trick even better.
At 69, Trump still hasn’t popped his green cherry. In his book The America We Deserve, the real estate magnate and insane person wrote, “I’ve never taken drugs of any kind, never had a glass of alcohol. Never had a cigarette, never had a cup of coffee.”
What kind of difference would a low-temp swallow of a nice hybrid shatter, say Blue Dream or Trainwreck make? Well, for starters, it’ll…
Give him a little street cred
El Chapo isn’t the only bad mf’er Trump’s beefed with lately. A Twitter user presumed to be the escaped cartel leader and mass murderer wrote, “Keep fucking around and I’m gonna make you swallow your whore words you fucking whitey milkshitter.”
Chapo might be the candidate’s most murder-happy enemy, but somebody even cooler has Trump in his sights. After using the song “Rockin’ In The Free World” at his campaign announcement last month, Trump got an FU from the song’s composer and performer, the incomparable Mr. Neil Young. Young claimed that Trump had not licensed his music, then upped his diss to the reality TV star by giving the song to Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders.
He’ll chill the fuck out
This week the Daily Show said Trump, if elected would be our nation’s “first openly asshole president.” It has to be exhausting saying that 6 year POW John McCain was “not a war hero” and reading Lindsay Graham’s phone number to a crowd and all the other hellish things he does on a regular basis, then has to defend by being an even bigger asshole the next day. What would one night on the couch, meltedinto the couch, some THC coursing through his brain, a nice Simpsons rerun on the TV do to that disposition of his?
He’ll get a little perspective
Sometimes the super rich and super famous people with Narcissistic Personality disorders get caught in a bubble where they can’t see the world how it really is. That probably explains statements like his tweets regarding global warming:
“Record low temperatures and massive amounts of snow. Where the hell is GLOBAL WARMING?”
… which makes him sound really stupid. And…
“The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”
… which makes him sound like a homeless person rambling at a bust stop.
Then there’s his anti-vaccination rambling which comes off as some combination of insane, idiotic, and made up:
“I’ve known people that had totally magnificent children, functioning a hundred percent, everything beautiful, smart as a whip, and they go for this shot and get this shot of this massive dose, of everything at one time, and they end up with horrible autism.”
Not saying some close personal time with a rig would give the man Deadhead level mind expansion. Maybe more like Radiohead mind expansion. Not even King of Limbs – even some Pablo Honey headiness would be a big improvement.
Maybe it could even give him that big epiphany: I should quit my campaign just on the off chance that I get elected and Dead Zone the entire planet.