I had a dream the other night. I was fishing in a quiet stream out in a valley somewhere without cars or humanity. My hook caught on something. When I twirled in the reel, what I pulled up was a clay jar that looked like it came from the days when the American Indian ruled the continent – when the world was flat, but without corners.

I opened the jar and a ribbon of black smoke screamed from its mouth. The smoke burned my eyes and growled in my ears. It said it was a genie and it asked me what I loved more than anything else in life. “Weed and @#**&,” I said.

But this was not the kind of genie that grants you wishes. The poor ethereal creature could not remember a time before its agonizing millennial confinement in the clay jar. Its soul was charred by biter rage and it sought vengeance against the first face it encountered after its release – mine.

It said to me, “Mortal, you will lose forever one of your two great loves. And you must make a choice: will you sacrifice the very vortex of human propagation for the mellow joys of the plant called cannabis? Or forego your drug of choice for the carnal favors of your fellow human beings?

I thought for a long time. What seemed like years, lifetimes. And this is the dialogue that was waged in my brain…

In Favor of Weed

  • It lasts longer than sex, at least usually. One good sesh can last you through a couple hours. How long’s the high off of f-u-c-k-i-n-g? Half hour, maybe, at most. And then you either have to sleep or go at it again. Or go back to your miserable life.
  • It’s ok to cheat. Bud polyamory is par for the course with stoners. You might get a steady strain for awhile. You crush on Gorilla Glue #4 for awhile, and it completes you. But if you want to explore and dip into some Blue Dream for a night, no one’s going to get upset. You can even ménage-a-trois with a waxy joint anytime.
  • There’s no cardio involved. The most tiring part is that big bastard of a dab that’ll make you cough for about five minutes. And then you just let yourself dissolve into the couch.
  • No diseases. The worst you could get is a cold from passing a pipe to someone with the cooties. Nothing that will ruin your life. And you can still smoke weed if you’re sick. No one wants to bang out some wheezy, stuffy, achy contagious slob, but your rig isn’t too particular.
  • It’s more portable, that’s for sure. You can have sex in public, but it takes a lot less space and time than sneaking a pen out, doing your thing, and put it back than it does to sneak that other thing out.
  • You can do it alone. You can have sex alone, but masturbation very rarely competes with Granddaddy Purps.

In Favor of Sex

  • It’s cooler. It just is. Don Draper is cooler than Cheech or Chong. Justin Timberlake is cooler than Seth Rogen. Of course, it’s a big feed-back loop, because the whole point of being cool is that you have more sex. So if you like weed that much more than sex, then maybe cool isn’t all that important. Sorry, that’s stoner talk, but I think it makes sense.
  • It’s more of a challenge. The same way that you’d feel more accomplished if you climbed a mountain than if you took a helicopter to the top. It’s more complicated (usually) to have sex than it is to smoke weed. If you rode the beast with two backs today, then you got something done. If all you did today was smoke weed, then you didn’t really do shit.
  • You connect with another human being. I know, I know, human beings are over-rated and we’re on our way out as a species, but there’s still a lot to like. It feels good to be with one, and sex is just about the closest you can get to them. Smoking don’t give you that same connection usually.
  • It’s a biologically necessary for the survival of our species. Eh. Big whoop. I got a gooey gram and they just put Rick and Morty on Hulu.

And then I woke up…

So happy was I upon realizing that I had no need to take make such a momentous and regrettable decision, that I immediately engaged in both my favorite activities simultaneously. My lover straddled me while lighting my rig. T’was beautiful to know I never need choose.