- Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986)
Weed that turns you into a mutant.
The stoners, nerds and jocks of Nuke ‘Em High had enough to worry about before the nuclear power plant next door infected their weed. Their seed-and-stem heavy schwag probably needed an upgrade, but this new strain – some kind of souped up hydro sativa – which gets a girl pregnant with a mutated nuclear monster baby, turns nerds into murderous cavemen with assault rifles – might be a little too heady for these jabronies to handle.
With an exploding laser fight, a wonky soundtrack and a triple shot of 80’s blood, boobs, slimy puppets, and bubbling green bile, it’s one of the best movies you could watch this Halloween through a filter of dab vapor.
- Friday the 13th Part III (1982)
The 3-D joint pass.
Yes, indeed. Not only did the third installment in this illustrious chain of bad luck camping stories feature the first appearance of Jason’s hockey mask. Not only does the exceedingly plentiful sex and murder flow over the base of an up-tempo disco soundtrack. But it was also one of the first slasher movies to get a 3-D release. The creative brain trust behind the film didn’t settle for simple tricks like having a knife jab out at its audience. It took the 3-D artform a step forward by having a stoner couple pass the audience a joint in THREE FUCKING DEE.
Put yourself back in time… You’re in a theater, blazed stupid on a fat joint of schwag. Munched out on papery pop-corn and watered down RC Cola, you’re knocking your 3-D glasses against your sweetheart as you make out in some cheap uncomfortable seats. And then wham-o! A giant smoking joint hovers right over your head. If there’s heaven, that’s what it’s like.
- Rules of Attraction
Horror movie disguised as college stoner comedy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. You’re saying, “That fucking movie with Dawson and Jessica Biel? Ain’t no horror movie!” But you’re wrong. So shut up. It’s the most devious kind of horror movie there is. A horror movie in disguise. The unspeakable terrors of awkward love between weed dealer Sean Bateman, gay lonely heart Paul Denton and reluctant virgin Lauren Hynde features a mushroom trip during a Halloween costume party, an attempted suicide-by-hanging set to a “Monster Mash”-type spooky pop song, and more than a few nods to horror films of old.
Just check out this quote from Sean’s voice over for a little subtext made not so subby: “Pretend to be a vampire. I don’t really need to pretend, because it’s who I am, an emotional vampire. I’ve just come to expect it. Vampires are real. That I was born this way. That I feed off of other people’s real emotions. Search for this night’s prey. Who will it be?”
- Day of the Dead (1985)
The only survivors of the zombie apocalypse have a weed farm.
For George A. Romero’s third entry in his Night of the Living dead oeuvre, he moved the action to a military barracks where some funky shit is going on: the army man in charge is slowly turning into a homicidal maniac, the caged zombie pets are learning to talk, everyone is going a little more insane by the day, and they’re all starting to suspect they’re the only non-zombie people left in the world.
So, how do you possibly keep your head above water in such a bleak status quo? If you’re the few sane people left in the barracks, you dedicate a patch of your garden to growing some fine herbs and combine that with a healthy dose of alcohol. Then the occasional zombie attack that forces you to murder one of your only friends with a bullet to the head doesn’t faze you quite so much.
- Cabin in the Woods
Stoner ends the world.
Here’s where shit gets real. The only good horror film that also functions as an endorsement of the stoner in our society. Not only is genius pothead Marty Mikaski the first of the group of hotty college students to notice that something very diabolical is happening at their cabin retreat, not only does he use his bong as a weapon against some supernatural douches, he’s also the one who has the power to save the world at the end of the movie. But that would mean taking the innocent life of a pretty badass lady. So he says, “No broh,” and lets the ancient gods take over the world as he lights up a jay. How badass is that? Answer: Pretty B.A., dude.