As cannabis legalization spreads like wildfire across North America, all those tired stoner stereotypes have been breaking down. Now there are high-functioning stoners, rich stoners, queer stoners, conservative stoners, religious stoners, and every other variety under the sun. But the unfortunate truth is that some stereotypes hold true in the stoner world, like munchies.

It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just a fact: weed can make you really, really hungry. Like so hungry you don’t even care what you eat or so hungry that you have to eat only that perfect food right now. And since your critical thinking may be a little impaired after that fifteenth dab, the good people at High Times have developed a point system to help you make important decisions like where you are going to stuff your face so hard it makes you sleep for five hours.

Here’s how the clever system breaks down:

  • Menu (Variety)  – 20 Points
  • Convenience – 15 Points
  • Environment (Ambiance) – 10 Points
  • Food Quality – 5 Points

 

Based on this admittedly well thought out schema, High Times then ranked a few popular food joints and determined that the greatest stoner fast food destination is… Taco Bell.

The staple of many a stoner’s diet ranked 40 points out of a possible 50, for its simple menu, it’s mostly intoxicated clientele which make for a subdued, non-judgemental crowd, and for its environment, which High Times claims “is often nicer than an average fast food restaurant” (debatable).

First runner up was Denny’s, which is not technically fast food, but you know, whatever. The ubiquitous greasy spoon scored 32 out of 50, a 19/20 for its menu, which includes all day breakfast and milkshakes, a mere 5 out 15 for convenience (though it’s open 24/7), and a 7/10 for its “solid vibe” environment.

Third on the list was Little Caesar’s, which scored 35 total points including a 4 out 5 for food quality (if food quality doesn’t include the horrible things experienced by your body in the immediate aftermath of ingesting it), and 14/15 for its convenience (Hot-N-Ready is not false advertising).

Their list only includes three restaurant chains, presumably because they had more, but it was time for a weed nap. We can sympathize. Good night!

Photo via Flickr user Mike Mozart

Dabs Mag Staff
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