Almost 28% of Americans are now obese, with more than ever before widening into the “medically dangerous” end of the spectrum. Some might suggest that the country is now more than ever in need of health education and efforts from junk food manufacturers to limit just how junky their food is.

But the money-hating, philanthropic corporate conglomerates Yum! Brands and PepsiCo have a far more ingenious plan to shrink bellies and lengthen lives in the Land of the Free: reverse psychology. If they cook up junk food that’s so gnastily excessive it actually repels potential buyers, said consumers may actually start to consider their eating habits more thoughtfully.

At least, that is the only explanation we can think of for a new line of historically ambitious gut-busters recently reported by the AV Club. There is the forthcoming delight from Pizza Hut, the “Succulent Hot Dog Stuffed Crust With A Free Mustard Drizzle” (as the ad really says word for word) is pretty much what it sounds like. The hot dog/pizza hybrid has already been made available to the savoring mouths of Canadians, Australians, and Britains in previous years and now it’s our turn to experience a new intensity of simultaneous diarrhea and regret.

Meanwhile, PepsiCo has some big news of their own. Remember that Crystal Pepsi product that no one liked twenty years ago? Well, like The X-Files, Coach, Twin Peaks, and Full House, what was cancelled twenty years ago do to public unpopularity is new again. The renewal follows a diehard social media campaign #BringBackCrystalPepsi, and was announced by Crystal Pepsi enthusiast and competitive eater Kevin Strahle on his Twitter page KevLABeast. His tweet consisted of a letter from Pepsi which began, in what could be our favorite beginning to a letter ever:

“Dear Mr. Beast,

Your love for Pepsi is clear – crystal clear.”

The announcement was later confirmed by a Pepsi spokesman. So, it’s real.

Now, for your enjoyment, here’s some strings of words which cut up the stuffed dog’s slogan the way it will soon cut up our bowels – crusted drizzle hot-stuffed with dog – drizzling dog crusted with hot stuffinghot crusty dog drizzled with stuff.

AND the Van Halen scored launch ad for the original Crystal Pepsi in 1993 because RIGHT NOW you’re wasting time…

Parker Winship