The federal government and associate chemistry professor Dan Burgard are tired of your fucking lies. Poll after poll says this many people smoke that amount of such-and-such kind of weed and sales records say that county x sells y more ounces per parsec than that county z. But how do they know? How do they really know that’s not all just fucking bullshit?

They don’t. And that’s why they’re done listening to your stinking, lying mouth. They’re going straight to the source: our sewage. “Because shit and piss don’t lie, motherfucker,” said no one in Burgard’s office or at the National Institute of Health, the governmental department who chipped in $120,000 toward the three year study of marijuana habits in Washington state.

The idea is this: when we process drugs, our body produces certain metabolites. We pee and poo out these metabolites into toilets, then flush them into the sewers where Burgard’s people are waiting to catch them (we assume) and test them for these metabolites. That way they can get a lot more reliable info than they would testing the figurative pee and poo that comes out of our mouths every time we speak.

This information will help researchers understand how legalization is affecting pot usage in Washington. Has the establishment of pot shops increased the pot intake of Washingtonians? Are they smoking the same quantities they say they are in what now seem like useless surveys? How closely do the amounts of THC in our squeezes and squirts match up to what’s being sold in sanctioned shops and how much nugs and shatter are DL and back alley? All questions waiting to be answered by Burgand’s team after three years in what we imagine is a well-perfumed laboratory.

Two cities are being looked at in the study, but Burgand and co. aren’t saying which two, because they wouldn’t trust us any further than they can throw our waste. Hey, looks like human waste isn’t such a waste after all. Know’m’saying?!