Nobody really thought the Drug Enforcement Administration was going to reschedule cannabis to a Schedule II controlled substance this year, but that hasn’t stopped the DEA and the media from dangling the possibility above us for months.

Back in June, some hosers published an article that suggested the DEA was definitely going to reschedule cannabis this summer. That rumour was quickly debunked, but there was a grain of truth to it. The DEA did indeed entertain the concept of pushing marijuana down a notch on the controlled substances list, but now that’s over too. On Thursday the agency filed papers saying “nah brah” to the scheduling change, according to The Cannabist.

There is a silver lining to this cloud of sour kush in that the feds also decided to make it easier to conduct cannabis research. But even that isn’t enough to throw up your hands and vomit in joy. Rachel Gillette, a marijuana attorney in Colorado, told The Cannabist, “I’m reading this policy, and it seems like there’s substantial red tape and it’s going to take years and years and years to actually achieve that intended goal, unfortunately. To me, it’s a very retrogressive decision.”

We don’t know what those last two words really mean, but… there must be something better to talk about today than the expected and unprogressive decision from an administration that’s put in place to be uptight and unprogressive. How about the Olympics? The U.S. currently has more Gold Medals and medals overall than any other country with 13 golds and 22 other ones. So we’re still good for something.

How about Canada? Big day for weed in Canada. Some Canuck bureaucrats announced Thursday that its medical marijuana patients can now grow their own stuff in limited quantities. Good for them.

Oh. Here’s a good one. A 400 year-old shark was discovered in Greenland. It’s the oldest known vertebrate animal ever, ever in the entire history of the entire world. Scientists had to carbon date the inside of their eyeballs to determine her age, but they did. And she is old. That’s way cooler than anything the DEA has ever done, so whatever.

Photo via Flickr user EOL Learning and Education Group