They know how to have a good time in Essos. When you’re not getting murdered, there’s always plenty to do – party down Tyrion-style with loads of wine and women, or go to a bloody jousting tournament that beats the shit out of Medieval Times any day. But one thing’s missing. Where’s the weed at? The closest thing they have is that weird wizard sizzurp drink Shade of the Evening, and who wants the blue-stained teeth?

So, to commemorate the newly begun fifth season, we’ve decided to populate the Game of Thrones universe with weed by recasting all the characters as the cannabis strains that suit them best. Maybe with a little medication, they’ll all be in a better mood and stop incinerating, poisoning, and putting swords through each other’s heads all the time. And after all, everyone knows the winter goes by a little quicker when you’re holed up inside and warming up around a roasting bowl.


Tyrion Lannister – Granddaddy Purps

The plants are short and bushy, the buds dense, potent, and blond. It’s an indica so you expect a kind of dopey goofball stone, but instead you find a surprisingly alert, focused high hidden within. Does that sound like our favorite dwarf?


Joffrey Baratheon – Herijuana

Don’t turn your back on this one. The strain, inbred by a handsome couple of Motarebel bud lines, will knock you out without warning. While Joffrey will give you the chills, and herijuana will just make you plain chill, both are ruthless and will take the unschooled and unseasoned down for the count.


Daenerys Targaryen – Super Lemon Haze

Powerful, long-haired, and gorgeous. At first you think you’re just in for a good time physical high, but then all the sudden the haze takes on a second life – bold, vivacious, soaring as if on the wings of pet dragons. Kind of like a princess who was supposed to be a trophy wife, but ended up being a war queen. Also, just like the Khaleesi, it still looks good even after you put a flame to it.


Jon Snow – Jack Frost

This Winter Kush, the bastard son of Cannabis King Jack Herer, is down-to-earth in its flavor and good-natured in its high, but at 22% THC potency it can be as deadly as the rest of them. An honorable bud in a harsh, cold world, you can count on this strain to do right by you when times are tight.


Got any to add? Leave them in the comments.