Earlier this week, USA Today got their hands on a recruitment booklet published by the Islamic State (formerly ISIS). The breezy 32-page read outlined the vast jihadist organization’s not-so-chill history and so-unchill-it’s-practically-sizzling “end of world” plans. The group’s recruitment techniques are decidedly more vinegar than honey and contain phrases like, “Accept the fact that this caliphate will survive and prosper until it takes over the entire world and beheads every last person that rebels against Allah. This is the bitter truth, swallow it.”

Cool. We read that story whilst high on shatter and, since we’re not all that imaginative at Dabs Mag, we decided to combine the two most immediate things in sight (ISIS + hash) into one article. Turns out there’s actually a fuck ton to write about.

The Islamic State is a little like a fickle lover when it comes to hashish. If hash was a little lovesick girl, it’d be sitting on a hillside somewhere picking a pedal off a daisy and saying something like…

“The Islamic State Loves Me Not”

Now, it’d be easy to think that, given that IS sometimes likes to go to fields of cannabis in its occupied Northern Syria territories, proclaim weed cultivation an “evil” act, set fire to said weed so it can burn “by God’s will,” then release a video documenting this marijuana arson and hating-on.

But it’s like they say. You always hurt the ones you love. Maybe it’s just that the group, which believes it has a god-given power to supersede the authority of all religions and governments and which even al-Qaeda considers kind of hard to get along with, just doesn’t know how to show its true feelings.

“The Islamic State Loves Me”

IS doesn’t just burn trees, they also burn trees. Shit, a multi-billion dollar fundamentalist terrorist organization has got some major bills to pay if it’s going to keep up its historic and increasing rates of war crimes, takeovers and genocide. The world isn’t going to end itself (unless it is).

Because there is evidence that IS loves hash. A lot. Like, enough to buy it by the ton from Lebanese farmers such as the ones in the Bekaa Valley that The Daily Beast talked to earlier this year. Hash makers and sellers in the area told the Beast that since the IS came to town, they dominate and profit from the local hash industry, though they say the Syrian army on the other side of the conflict also gets a taste.

The Beast suggests that Islamic State fighters also like to get cheeched on their own supply, which is likely given that they are human beings with a literal ton of hash, but not substantiated by any evidence we’ve come across.

See? IS does love hash, it’s just not a monogamous love. Various news reports say that the doomsday bringers also deal in coke and heroin. But we’ll always know who their number one girl is, after Allah and beheadings of course.

Even though denouncing weed as evil one day and selling it the exact same day might seem like a contradiction, you’ve just got to get to know these guys a little better. They don’t contradict, they’re just complex. How else would you describe a group that intends to staff and fund its planned attack on India and provocation of the U.S. into a “final battle” with videos of cats dressed up like guns?

Parker Winship