Chainsaws for arms, dragon hearts for dinner, brain-zapping song lyrics, neon sleep-sick dreamers and porn-addled teddy bears. Either our lungs bit off a little more than our brains can chew with that last dab, or we’ve been watching upcoming movie trailers, or both. Probably both. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Upcoming movies. And the weird ass trailers for them. Are the guys who made these fucking high or what?

Ted 2 (June 26)

What this is? The Thunder Buddies return for the second installment of the ongoing Ted saga. The brutal emotional journeys and piercing social commentary of the original ramp up as Ted enlists a bong-smoking hottie lawyer to prove he’s a human, John’s porn addiction is fully explored and Morgan Freeman shows up for some reason.

How many dabs this movie do? This movie has only done one dab, but it was a big fat one. It’s dabbed out enough to get Tom Brady’s glowing dick in there and to forget that Mila Kunis from the first movie has disappeared, but maybe not dabbed out enough for a sequence of serene fuckedness on par with the Flash Gordon cocaine party in Ted Episode 1 (as it’s called now, by us).

American Ultra (August 21)

What this is? A stoner slacker in love (Jessie Eisenberg) gets his amnesia-erased government assassin skills reactivated Manchurian Candidate-style, murders lots of people, smokes some doobs, wears a Hawaiian shirt and drives a Humvee while trying to save his girlfirend or save the world or something.

It’s a little like Beethoven’s 2nd, except without the St. Bernard, with an assassin, without Charles Grodin, with Kristen Stewart, and made now, not in the 90’s. Actually, an easier comparison to make would probably be “Bourne Identity meets Pineapple Express.” Yeah, that’s much cleaner.

How many dabs this movie do? Three. A stoned Jason Bourne movie with blacklight fights, murder-by-spoon, evil Eric Foreman, and John Leguizamo bringing his Romeo + Juliet wardrobe out of the mothballs, this flick looks like it’s lifting a little off of the Earth’s gravitational pull. Lots of explosions and gunfire make for a nice hybrid, probably 75% brain-insane sativa, 25% couch-melt indica.

Cemetery of Splendor (TBA)

What this is? A clinic full of sleep-sickness sufferers dreaming under tripped out glow-lights while their caretaker prays to gods and hobbles on uneven legs. The fuck? It could only be the newest zonked-out opus from Cannes Palme D’Or winner Apichatpong Weerasethakul. From this brief trailer, it looks like he might be going even dreamier and creamier than his last feature film Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives.

How many dabs this movie do? Seven. There should really be a strain called the Weerasethakul, some bud that puts us in that place just between dreaming and waking life. Maybe when Apichatpong passes on to the next life, his mortal vessel will be planted in the earth along with some Green Crack seeds and we’ll all be smoking him one day. Maybe that last dab put me out of radio contact with the real world. Or I’m just on that higher wavelength with this enlightened director’s movies.

Tale of Tales (TBA)

What this is? Dunno. Too nutty to speak of in words. Selma Hayek loves eating the heart of a dragon, that French guy Vincent Cassel loves BBW orgies, Dr. Steve Brule himself John C. Reilly is really into fire-breathers. Looks a little like Tim and Eric, George R.R. Martin, and Stanley Kubrick all dissolved into puddles of molecules and then recombined into one colossal, severely overweight genius, then made this movie.

How many dabs this movie do? Four. This shit looks funked out, sexy, dreamy, beautiful, ambient, funny, funked out, and funked out. Somebody been vaping the good shit to envision this weird little monster of a movie.

Ash vs. Evil Dead (Fall)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ncef44CHrI

What this is? The teaser doesn’t say much. To judge from the title, there will be Ash and also Evil Dead. We still don’t know what “vs.” means.

How many dabs this show do? Not enough, to judge from the extremely brief teaser. More like a couple puffs off a spliff. But here’s hoping that spliff is the chronic laced with even more chronic-y wax, laced with PCP, laced with PCP-antidote so it doesn’t go into full psychosis. Just a little Evil Dead 2 Bruce Campbell having an insane laughing fit with all the furniture in his cabin is all we’re asking for.

So that’s it for this installment of “Most Dabbed Out Upcoming Movie Trailers.” Have you seen my dabber? Seriously, where is it? Are you sitting on it? Will you at least look, dude?

Parker Winship