EDITOR’S NOTE: In researching this debate of titanium VS quartz, we stumbled across a long-forgotten radio transcript from Howard Cosell and Dick Meibanks’ blow-by-blow commentary of a meeting of the two some years ago. What follows is that transcript in full. We hope you enjoy.
“THE OLD STANDARD” TITANIUM NAIL VS QUARTZ “THE MINERAL G’ENERAL” NAIL
COSELL: All right, the introductions of the gladiators by the ring announcer. Two youngbloods from the sticks taking first stabs at eternal glory. This fight will be scored by three judges, the referee, no voice in the scoring. We’re using a ten point must system of scoring, three knock-down rule waived, mandatory eight count of course, no saving by the bell, as you look at quartz eying the opponent. A cool gaze, temperament light. Titanium, a half smirk creeping across his mug, a monster of a tool. A hulk of a piece. A linebacker. Moments away now, as we prepare for first round action. It’s a twenty-one foot ring, canvas like a bedpan. No give. Quartz will be happy, a bounce and spring in his step.
MEIBANKS: Howard, would you say this bout favors one side?
COSELL: Oh, come on Dick, that’s not even commentary. I called it a shutout. So did Don Chevriet. So did the entire panel in the pre-match. Tite’s a slugger. Keeps coming at you, like a tank. Steady heat, able to maintain. But from there his attributes dwindle like so many a fading star. “Favor one side.” Dick, there only is one side.
MEIBANKS: Those are some strong words.
COSELL: As they should be. As they should be. Look here, the bell’s barely rung and it’s target practice for Quartz. We’re moments into this thing and it is target practice. They’re both taking a lot of heat, but look at how Quartz moves. Light, fast.
MEIBANKS: So light on his feet. Something must be said, though, for Titanium Nail’s pure power. Once he gets hot, he stays there.
COSELL: Of course. A storied professional. A fine gentleman. But one’s influence and status mean nothing, Dick. Not in this moment. When these two behemoths meet dab-for-dab in the ring of rings, what speaks, but the truth?
MEIBANKS: Well it’s proving you correct here, Howard. Quartz is clean, smooth, and supremely sturdy out there. And– oh my!
COSELL: There it is! Down goes Taner! Dragged his feet into a swooping bucket from Quartz! Down in the first! He doesn’t know WHERE he is!…
COSELL: –He’s back up now, taking his mandatory eight count from the referee, but he IS hurt. …What excitement.
MEIBANKS: This really does not look good for Titanium.
COSELL: They’re back at it and Quartz is running RAMSHACK. It never looked good, Dick. This is something entirely different. Unheard of.
MEIBANKS: Except by you of course.
COSELL: Well of course.
COSELL: Yes of quartz.
MEIBANKS: Of course quartz has courted the champ in these opening blows but it looks like titanium may be finding some footing now.
COSELL: Yes. A few big hits landed for the old champion as he swoops in with a hinged dome cover.
MEIBANKS: The tide may be turning here.
COSELL: Quartz is definitely stunned. But see how quickly he shakes it off. Right back at the champ with a torrent of hits. Always bubbling. –And… HE’S DOWN AGAIN!
MEIBANKS: I don’t believe it.
COSELL: Believe it, Dick. For the second time in this first round, Titanium Nail has been knocked down by Quartz! Aluminum and Steel are shouting from the Taner Camp. Stop the fight. They want it done. –We’re looking to the referee here and… yes! It’s over! It is over, in the first round. Titanium Nail has been defeated in the first. History, Dick.
MEIBANKS: Something to witness.
COSELL: Truly the spectacle we had hoped for. And I told you before. You catch these knock-off Oriental pieces aiming to pass as quality material and this is what you get. Do not fight the sonnets of nature, rather, listen. And there you have it, folks. A new champion, a worthy champion, awaits us in the ring. The mineral gin-eral, Quartz Nail.