A Match Made in Moscow.Among the dozens of action films, and roles, reality serieses and history of true martial artistry, not many know of Steven Seagal’s Russian heritage. With a grandmother from Vladivostok, he grew up knowing a fair amount of the mother tongue– he even played Russian mobster turned novelist Ruslan in 2009’s Driven to Kill.
Amidst the mysterious rise to political power and ever-tumultuous reign since, not many know of Vladimir Putin’s love for the martial arts. He’s an 8th degree black belt in the kyokushin-kan method of karate. He’s a ninth degree taekwondo grandmaster. He’s also a self-proclaimed “Judo Knight.”
So why, Dabs asks, did nobody put this together sooner? I mean, they’ve publicly been friends for the better part of a decade now, but the pairing of Vladimir Putin and Steven Seagal seems like not only too perfect of a combo, but too hilarious and whimsical of a consideration for it not to be on a Chuck Norris or Nicolas Cage level of comedy and meme fodder by now!
And forget comedy– where are the goddamn studio heads with the next big action duo blockbuster offers?! “Brother Russia,” anyone?!? “A Russian ex-headhunter loses his wife to the scum he’s been killing for his entire life. Now there’s only one man he can turn to– his brother.” Or how about “Kremlins?” “When radioactive creatures begin to terrorize Moscow, Prime Minister Putin enlists the help of Houston Sheriff and best pal Steven Seagal to paint the town red with him. Blood red. You Ain’t SR Nothin’, Yet.” A little more meta, maybe, but with today’s trends we can see a Rogen/Goldberg version of that might play gangbusters. Hell, maybe even Chris Columbus could produce.
Even reality could paint a pretty and hilarious backdrop for these tales. Rumor has it that Putin really wanted President Obama to make Seagal a legitimate consul to Russia, seeing the shared love of one another and debilitating violence as a firm ground on which to build steady bridges between the oft at-odds superpowers. No, not Putin and Seagal. The US and Russia. The President’s camp reportedly scoffed at the notion, but we’re not so sure they made the right move.
We would hate to see us lose Steven Seagal to Russia. With his strong familial ties and shared platonic passion with the nation’s leader, it’s not so farfetched an idea that we very well could soon see a Seagalless America. Especially if we continue dishonoring the man and his good image the ways we do time and time again. So what if he said he’s a better guitar player than B.B. King. Have you ever listened to Songs from the Crystal Cave?? If you can’t bring yourself to love him for his love of Russia (you over-patriotic Gibson, you), then by God, at least do it for Out for Justice.
We’re sure Putin probably does.
Photo by Aleksey Nikolsky/AFP/Getty