When life hands you lemons, make a lemon pipe.
The second time I smoked pot was after school on a Friday. The first time was a month earlier at the end of the summer before my freshman year in high school. On that occasion I had chiefed with a much older friend in college and then bought from them some amount of pot (they didn’t measure the quantity, it was probably about half an eighth) for $20.
I held onto the weed for a month. I would bring it up with my friends and we’d talk about getting high, but we never did. We were too scared. Then one day, my best friend and I got our courage up. It was after school and before a home football game, and my house was deserted. My friend and I sat on the edge of my bed, looked at our little bag of shitty weed, and realized we had no device to smoke it out of. We didn’t even have a match to light it.
So we scoured the house – kitchen drawers, closets, the tool shed – and the best system we could put together was to poke holes in a Pepsi can with a kitchen knife, then ignite the pot with a burning candle we had lit off the stove. To catch the dripping wax, we used a dinner plate.
We smoked most of the bag. We did not grind or tear up the weed. We did not separate the seeds and stems. We did not get high. But when we went to the football game, we could smell the schwag smoke on our clothes, and it made us feel like cool kids.
We had learned a valuable lesson: you can smoke weed in any situation. When life hands you lemons, make lemon pipe. Over the years, a long line of bottles, fruits, vegetables, and various tools have been repurposed to get me blazed. Here are some of the highlights:
- Tin foil pipe
Nasty, but easy. The perfect system we developed in high school was to wrap the foil around a highlighter to make a tube of perfect diameter, then bend the tube into an L-shape at the end. It would almost close off the tube, but not quite, making a nice bowl to catch the pot itself but let the smoke pass through.
Photo via thehomegrown.com
Not pretty, but it works, and cans are basically always around. Just push in a small area with your thumb to make a bowl and stab a couple of holes with the tip of a pen (that works better than a knife because the punctures are a little wider than if you use a knife, but not so wide that the weed will just go straight through.
I’ve tried making a carb hole with a key (similar to how you’d puncture a beer if you were going to shotgun it), but the can is so full of air that using a carb didn’t seem to do much.
Photo via dtftest.homestead.com
Obviously, a nice old standby. The two stab method has always worked well. Again, using a pen (we’re just realizing that pens might be the most useful tool in DIY blazing) to borrow through the apple from end to end like a worm. One opening to this cavity will be your mouthpiece, then other your carb hole.
Then, at a 90 degree angle (right where you find the stem is good), stab another tunnel halfway through the apple until you intersect the first one. Now you’ve got your bowl. You won’t want to grind your weed up too fine or it’ll suck right through when you take a hit.
Best part is you can still eat it afterwards, and it’s bio-degradable.
Photo via Tumblr user ggdub
- Hot knives
Hooting weed was my precursor to dabbing. Turn the burner on the stove up. Then let two butter knives rest on the flame. While they’re cooking, you tear off a little piece of nug and place it on stove next to the burner. When the heat turns the knives orange, use one hot knife to pick up the nugglet and smoosh the weed between the two knives. Inhaling through cut off head of a soda bottle is the best way to pull in all the smoke.
A great method because it gets you mad high quick and you waste virtually no weed doing it.
Photo via YouTube user mary420juana
This might be my favorite. Not that it gets you the highest. But it’s simple and easy to re-use and, heartbreakingly, it no longer works. See, there’s this brand of pen. It’s not the one pictured below. After a good fifteen minutes of internet research, I couldn’t find the pen I used to use. This is fairly close though. Like the pen in the picture, you could unscrew the metal tip, invert it and stick it into shaft, making a little DIY pipe. Unlike the pen in the picture, the butt screwed clean off just like the tip, making the process a little easier. Also, my guess is that wtih this pictured pen from Staples, the metal tip is actually made from a metal-plastic alloy. That means you’ll be inhaling plastic and it won’t stand up to repeated hits.
But the old pen – it had a pure metal tip. And after you hit it a couple times, not only did the bowl stand up, but it heated up the thick plastic pen shaft around it, and the tip and plastic fused together, making one solid, reusable, easy to carry piece. It was a thing of wonder.
One time I realized it was still in my pocket when I got in line for airport security. I was well past the point where you could throw stuff out. I knew it would set off the metal detector if I kept it in my pocket. So I just threw it in the plastic tub along with my keys, change, and cell phone. It passed through the x-ray and no one even blinked.
Photo via imgkid.com